Okay tourists, locals, and natives alike. Let’s keep it real, this Memorial Day weekend is not the time to wild out. At least not anywhere in the radius of Miami Beach or Downtown. There are DUI checks galore and THE MAN will be out looking for the first person to slip. Don’t become another statistic. But if you must go there are a few things you should know about what you’re getting yourself into:

1.This weekend has been dubbed “Urban Beach Week” because of the large amount of, uh , urban people who flock to the City of Sin for Memorial Day weekend. Be that as it may, there will be lots of loud music, half, 3/4 or even almost completely naked and drunk/high BOOTY all over the place, along with rented cars and obnoxious people (not just urban people either). I mean, this type of debauchery is sort of what happens in South Beach all year round but this weekend its times a billion. Not for nothing people got shot last year. It’s really a crazy police officer’s dream out there. Fighting will most likely break out although we’d like to hope for the absolute best.

2.OK, what about the delicious food offered up and down the strip? If you’re on Ocean Drive, do not, I repeat DO NOT get lured in by the Slovakian waitress offering “2-4-1 Drinks.” You will walk (or stumble) out of that seaside eatery with a lot less money in da bank. Shrimp and impressing some girl you just met isn’t worth the price tag ! Not to mention the owners jack the prices up specifically for this weekend. You have been warned ! The only safe bets on Ocean Drive are Johnny Rocket’s and Friday’s. But you can get that anywhere. Go to a little Cuban hole in the wall or a taco spot for something cheap and yummy.

3.If you are driving and trying to get anywhere by a certain time, give yourself at least 30 extra minutes for traffic and the colossal bitch that is finding parking. Carpool with whoever you can. Take the 36 st bridge off of Biscayne or even the 79th st bridge instead of the McArthur Causeway. Fuck a taxi. Again, you have been warned.

4.If you venture into the wild, be prepared for a shocking amount of groping, yells, whistling, suggestions for sexual favors, propositions to hang out, and to hear the worst pickup lines out of desperate-ness you have ever heard. Ever been to the mall and had tons of guys try to court you? This is literally happen every 5 steps. I AM NOT LYING. Then you walk by them again and the men are using the same line on another beach goer. There attempts get comical after realizing they are on vacation and purely just want to take advantage of their situations. I just do the ol’ ignoring tactic if I find myself there but usually leave feeling as if I’ve been eye-raped and extremely uncomfortable.

5. For us locals, we know better. But in case you forgot, do I have to remind you that THE COPS ARE HEAVY OUT THERE? Don’t have your plates up to date? Drank one beer and headed home? Forgot to pay that ticket a few months back? All it takes is a swerve or a bad turn and the pigs will find a reason to stop you. Your basically asking for a ticket to venue out to South Beach. They are literally at every intersection. They are waiting. They want to write you up. Don’t give them a reason, leave it to the tourists to catch a case, normal Miami cops year around are bad enough.

Here’s last year’s “recap” of the fatal and ridiculous shooting and just the ratchetness that went down:

The only thing that keeps playing in my head is a line from the last Pimp C off of 36 Mafia’s “Sippin On Some Syrup” :

Cut that monkey shit out, you embarrassing us. Long Sigh.