As I stood there in the middle of the lobby of the student dormitory building talking to Kirin I started to feel a sense of inner hope. If Kirin could find meaning to her life though faith then its not impossible for me to find my way. Kirin is a 22-year-old handicap college student confined to an electronic wheel chair for the rest of her life- I’m just overwhelmed and stressed about college like any other student. I have my health. My selfish depression does not hit anywhere close to her situation. Something in me clicked.

Faith. It’s what we feel when we put our foot on the gas and expect our car to push forward. Faith. It’s when you turn on the shower and expect there to gush out water from the shower head. Faith. When you do something and expect (or hope) that another thing will turn out the way its suppose to. Faith. I struggle to find it.

It’s taken me a while to realize that I’ve lost faith in my life during the process of studying Religion as a major at my university. Going though a traumatic relationship, suffering horrible guilt from a DUI, getting basically fired, and doing poorly in school also didn’t help in breaking my faith in good things to come. All these things have a certain degree of control on my end. I would’ve done this, I should’ve done that. But in the end, the part which is hard to deal with is the responsibility factor. Why did this happen to ME?  But what happens when you did everything right? When you played your role and still the outcome was inevitable? This is where I struggle. I worked full-time hours, I put forth maximum effort, I played by the rules. Still the consequences proceeded.

As I stood there listening to Kirin  talk about the importance of faith in her life, I started to feel a glimpse of hope. Kirin stated, “If I didn’t find some kind of faith, some kind of reason why I was made this way and born with a disability  then my only other choice was scream and hate my life, thinking I was a mistake and feel like killing myself,” She had to stay positive. If she couldn’t find a reason for her existence her only other option was to think she was “defective” in some way, a product of unfit chemical development. These are her words. Imagine going though life thinking you are just a defective embryo with no purpose in life. Its her faith that gives her purpose and meaning. Its her faith that made it possible for her to graduate and attend one of the Top 50 universities in America, when the doctors said she probably wouldn’t be able to live longer then 3 years.

My lack of faith lately has been handicapping me in many ways as well. I don’t have faith in myself or life, so in turn, I expect everyone to disappoint me. Lady cut me off in the street? I expected it. Friends cancel plans last-minute? I expected it. Failed on a test I studied 10 hours the night prior? I expected it. I’m expecting life to let me down. It’s actually quite horrible.  Going though life expecting people to do the worse to you. From my new relationship, to my personal friendships, it’s taking over my mind like the black plague. Its having me see wonderfully innocent and well-intention-ed people as secretive, suspicious, and manipulative characters. I want to see the good in people again. I want to know there’s some good souls out there.

After that conversation with Kirin and a few other personal events, I decided to be on an active search for faith. Where does it come from? Religion? Therapy? Music? Boyfriends? Friends? This is the answer I seek. To call myself an atheist might be a bit over-exaggerating but I am lost in the realm of religion and belief. As a religious studies major examining the Cannons of various religions texts and the histories behind their often bloody timelines only makes me wonder would such a God really bring so much hurt, bloodshed, and punishment upon his people? I don’t know. Its too big of an issue to tackle.

Maybe the most important factor in faith is security and comfort. I want to live life knowing that everything that’s happening is all part of _______ plan. That ‘they’ have a reasoning for letting things happen the way they do. That nothing is without purpose. That’s it, I want a purpose. I want comfort.

Raised a Catholic, I now am lost in what to call myself. But if I can say anything, I am wondering and searching for a title. And it I find none, then I am just myself. But I won’t let myself turn toxic and dark. I am writing this to express myself to my readers, but to also tell myself that living dark, demented ,and negative is not the way. My boyfriend can actually be a good person. My best friend might not actually be lying to me. My mom might actually be trying to help me find a new car. My sister might actually be trying to help me out financially. Nothing has alternative motives. Everyone is just as they seem. It’s a beautiful and optimistic view, and I want to believe in them. I want to have faith in them. If you feel the same way as me, I want you to know your not alone. Things will get better. All we have is to believe and have faith…

So there it is. Thanks Kirin.

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October 24, 2012 Featured, Personal

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